That Drifting Excrement Was Way Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.

As we reflect on the television landscape of the recent year, a handful of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their spectacular failures. From awkward sequels to bafflingly poor docuseries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.

The 'Sex and the City' Sequel

Where to begin with this divisive follow-up? Plagued with dreadful scripts, cringe-inducing character development (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the final series started, it seemed as if it had at last found its groove. Then arrived an installment all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner declared this would be the last series. It concluded on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo flooded with poo was simply too symbolic. Still, viewers undeniably had a hoot picking apart every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a little sob?

All’s Fair

‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? The answer is a resounding no.’

But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The subject of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to start enumerating the flaws. The hilariously leaden writing? The tedious veneration of affluence and consumption? The almost wilful procession of tropes? Performances so poor they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this series again. Except, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re likely going to have to.

The Charlie Sheen Documentary

Considering the restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and parental failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d truly have gleaned it from this multi-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive hedonism while failing to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any pity this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charismatic but flippant egotist.

The Supercomputer Drama

Of course we knew it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure admiration for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely reacted when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. Talk about admitting defeat.

MobLand

Dodgy figures meeting in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.

Actually, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to accommodate baffling dialects. But there were plenty of other problems. Primarily that it was just really dull; a dispute over drug-selling territory between various London picaresques which seemed a bit basic.

With Love, Meghan

Given the degree to which she grinds the gears of certain performatively enraged commentators, it’s almost tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into twee lifestyle as deliberate statements. But then you view them and are compelled to admit that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark sayings and pointless crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.

The Beckham Documentary

There are clearly interesting things to be said about regarding Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this documentary series chose not to say them. Instead, the experience was like reading a sales brochure. She obviously has good reason to resent what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she failed to do herself any favours with this cagey letdown of a series.

The Game Show

It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality managing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As players battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too complicated to explain what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was trying way too hard to emulate something way beyond it.

The Lena Dunham Romcom

How do you succeed a show that captured a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the abundance of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.

Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping

Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.

Given the shrewd inclusion of talented younger comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it fell flat. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a dry pulp but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known irate mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.

The Knox Dramatisation

This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The material needed to be treated with care. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lumbering from strangely breezy, slightly stylised farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A total mess? Very much so.

The Maths Genius Thriller

We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? No! This international thriller about government agencies spying on – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.

1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story

This uncritical portrait followed the content creator notorious for explicit exploits as she prepared for her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was way more interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who showed up to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific shots and absolutely no interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a young daughter too.